(The following blog post contains colourful language.)
Happy New Year everyone. I hope it was a most gladsome affair for you and all of your beloveds. Unfortunately for many, no, I am not dead. For these past 12 months I have merely been inundated with work. Try harder next time. Your assassins’ methods are antiquated and their skills languishing. Ha-HA!
Enough about me, what about you, my lovelies? The time is for enacting new year’s resolutions. A common one is always ‘learn a new word a day’. Without question this can be an enriching experience, but, much like your resolution from last year (learn a new language, run a short marathon each day, give up drinking, or similar) it can be easy to find yourself falling short of this goal because Game of Thrones and Häagen-Dazs. Never fear, I have resurrected this blog and have provided my favourite aureate words to fill in the gaps for each month you find yourself uninspired (you will note there are exactly twelve). This list reflects my love of words for incredibly specific things.
Sgiomlaireached – the habit of ‘happening’ to swing by someone’s house around meal times. Especially when your friend cooks like Nigella Lawson and/or lives within wafting distance. Yes, it is Gaelic, but I am trying to help you with your resolution, so do kindly drop the sass, Sassafras.
Mytacism – the incorrect and excessive use of the letter M.
Tragically for sufferers of this condition, this word begins and ends with an M. Ancient Greeks always were fuckers, weren’t they?
Engastration – the act of stuffing one bird into another.
You may think this word is rather useless, but I do explicitly remember being served a large pheasant stuffed with several quails once upon a tragic restaurant. A delicious, yet mortifying, matryoshka effect. Middle Ages food aficionados will be very familiar with this concept.
Anacardic – of or pertaining to a cashew nut.
As I am particularly fond of this tree secretion, there are surprisingly vast opportunities to utilise this word in conversation. Despite my love of cashews, I do not fall into the category below.
Opsomaniac – someone with an extreme enthusiasm for a certain food, bordering on madness.
Reserved for my fondness of cheeses, especially brie and camenbert.
Nidorosity – belching with the taste of undigested meat.
We’ve all been there. I Know What You Did Last Christmas.
Metutials – menial tasks that must be completed before other work can start.
Removing pants before the party gets started. No?
Cyprianophobia – a fear of prostitutes.
One can only assume most people with said phobia have been raised by Pentecostals.
Undinism – the trait of having erotic thoughts when viewing or thinking about water (especially urine).
See comment above.
Rhapsodomancy – predicting the future using poetry.
Who doesn’t like a word that uses ‘rhapsody’ or a variant thereof?
Jumentous – smelling of horse urine.
No, other urines simply shall not suffice! It must be equine or greater!
Logogogue – a person whose love of words is larger than their knowledge of words.
Guilty as charged.
So there you are. I have saved you from inhaling a two litre bottle of corner store Spanish wine while crying to your friends about how you never follow through… Best of luck with your resolutions, people! Mine is to keep this blog up. My Spanish anti-freeze awaits! Wish me luck!